theLoveCafe@Cal

RRRR (yes 4 Rs) Week

Cal Students:  It’s Reading/Review/Recitation (RRR) Week. But don’t just go to the library…take some breaks with friends. We’re adding a 4^th “R” for relaxation. Obviously this is not the time to take days off for relaxation J  But well timed breaks with friends will help you stay healthy— so you can concentrate and learn more easily when you do hit the books.  Have a great RRRR week!

 Cal Students Suggest Fun Things To Do with Friends

    People watch         Play Hide and Go Seek       

   Get lost on the bus—get off at a new stop and wander around

   Go to the movies or have a movie night at home

   Yogurtland          Play basketball at the RSF

   Hang out at the Asian Ghetto            Go to events held by res halls

   Board Game night            Go to thrift stores

    Bus or BART to San Francisco              Random adventures on campus

     Play pool             Go clubbing/dancing

     Grab some food           Flashback movies at theater on Shattuck

     Bowling           Bake cookies          Give each other a neck/shoulder massage      

     Lift weights              Ice-blocking      

     Ultimate Frisbee            Cook together            Have a good talk

        Video games           Go to Tilden Park             Rock climb              Laugh

My brother is not as academically oriented as I am, and he just found out he didn’t get into Cal or UCLA. My parents are really disappointed (mad). All our lives they have constantly been comparing us, mostly making my brother feel bad about himself. What they don’t acknowledge is my brother’s social ease, creativity, and range of interests. All of this makes it hard for the two of us to be close. Advice?

Sweetheart,
It’s natural for people to compare siblings, so Mama Luv understands where you and your brother are coming from. If you’re seeking to get closer to your brother, try hanging out with him doing things that he is good at. For instance, if he’s talented in music, ask him to teach or help you. And compliment him! This may make your brother feel better and see that you appreciate his talents outside of academics. Perhaps this may help your parents see that your brother is gifted in other ways. Don’t forget to remind yourself (and your brother) to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.  Love, Mama Luv

I think as an older sibling, it’s important for you to be encouraging and supportive of him. He needs that encouragement if he’s not getting it from your parents. Have you ever thought about talking to your parents about how it makes you and your brother feel? They love you, and I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to feel that way. I think you’re old enough to have these kinds of discussions with your parents, if you’re ready. Other than that, there won’t be much you can do except just keep encouraging him and be the supportive one in the family.—Jazzy

Sometimes I don’t feel like I belong at Cal. I came from a disadvantaged school that really didn’t prepare me for the academics and competition here. I almost feel like there was a mistake processing my application; like the reader pressed the accept button instead of the reject button. I haven’t been getting very good grades and almost feel like I’m wasting both the school’s time and my time. How do I cope with this?

Trust me honey – your acceptance was not a mistake. If you got in, there was a reason you’re here, and you have every right to be here. Coming from a disadvantaged school does not mean you don’t belong – it just means that you’ve worked even harder to be here, and now you’re at this amazing school with amazing opportunities waiting for you. Just keep that state of mind. Now if you’re dissatisfied with your grades, Berkeley offers free tutoring resources (like in the Units and the Student Learning Center). Also, don’t be afraid to talk to your GSIs and professors for feedback– their job is to teach you. Lastly, I think to feel more of a sense of belonging, try to get involved more on campus. Success shouldn’t just be defined by your grades, but also by what you apply yourself and your passions to.

—Jazzy

Sweetie,

You were accepted into Cal because the admissions office saw potential in you! Mama Luv understands because Berkeley’s academics is challenging. However, if you’re feeling that you cannot keep up with your courses, consider talking to a counselor about alternatives. Maybe you can take an “incomplete” in a class this semester (talk to your professors about this option) or take a different mix of classes in the fall. There are also tutors around campus that can help! Just make sure to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help. 

Love,

Mama Luv

Whenever I feel like I’m busy (or rather extra busy, because let’s face it – I’m a Berkeley student), sometimes I feel like overwhelmed with what’s expected of me and what I expect from myself. Do you have any tips to avoid this overwhelming feeling or how to stay motivated to what you’re doing and love?

Ahhhh, I have such a love-hate relationship with Berkeley sometimes. It feels great to be here, the majority of the time – except when you’re drowning in midterms, papers, jobs, internships, research, and if you’re lucky, a social life. So if you can’t tell, I definitely know where you’re coming from. I think for me, the biggest factor that keeps me going when I feel like I literally can’t, is thinking about that little thing called the “future”. Thinking about what I’m learning right now and where it’ll take me – the possibilities and the opportunities – gets really…excited about the work I’m doing and learning. I also depend on friends to be my break from reality – I probably, no definitely, wouldn’t survive if I didn’t take a break to hang out and just enjoy relaxing. Just whatever you do, just make sure you’re listening to your body. Eat, sleep, and hopefully, bathe when you need too – oh and go outside, especially in this lovely weather recently.

 —Jazzy

Honey,
Being a student can get really busy, especially when there are high expectations! But it is a great thing to set expectations for yourself because you are constantly pushing yourself to learn and grow in character. Mama Luv understands that it may be overwhelming and hard to be motivated when you have a lot of stress, so it may be a good idea to take a few short breaks throughout the day doing what you enjoy! For instance, if you like listening to music, take a 15 minute break between projects to only listen to music - nothing else! Also, it is a good idea to spend a few minutes breathing deeply. This helps you clear your mind and bring oxygen to your brain (helping you study better!). And sweetie, try not to procrastinate! It may feel good temporarily to put off work, but when you must cram in the end, that’s a lot of stress which can be harmful to your mental and physical health! And as always, while working hard, don’t forget to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.
Love, Mama Luv

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years and I love him very much, to the point that I sacrifice a lot for him. I am sure that I do way more for him than he does for me. None of my friends like him because they think he doesn’t care about me… and sometimes I think that is true. I had to do unsafe or unethical things for him as well. I know we need to break up but I can’t get myself to do it. I just really need some advice or encouragement.

Sweetie,
I understand it must be hard to break-up with someone after you’ve felt so comfortable with them for years. But you must remember, if none of your friends like him and especially if you’ve had to do unsafe or unethical things for him, then this guy is not a good person - and you don’t want to be with someone like that! And if you sacrifice a lot more for him than he does for you, then you know deep down that this person may not love you as much, which means it might not be a healthy relationship in the long-run. Mama Luv is already very proud that you’ve taken the first step to admit there is something wrong. The next step is to do something about it. Perhaps a break-up will be too difficult right now. Hence, the best solution may be to take a break. Having a break gives hope that the relationship might work again. It will also give your boyfriend sometime to realize how much you do for him and how important you are to him. But baby, if he doesn’t realize that, walk away! In the meantime, please don’t forget to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.
Love, Mama Luv

When you love someone you know isn’t good for you – well, that is the hardest realization to ever come to. It sounds like your putting a lot of yourself out there so much so that maybe there’s nothing left for yourself. Your friends care about you and are probably noticing. They also see what an amazing person you are and that you deserve to be happy. If you need any self-encouragement, that’s the best advice I can give you. That you are a beautiful, amazing person who deserves someone that appreciates you and makes you feel comfortable – since you mentioned that you’ve done unsafe/unethical things for him (which are boundaries that need to be discussed and communicated). You need to do what makes you happy and healthy, and that includes doing things that might be difficult or even involves a little more sacrifice. It won’t be easy, but it will allow you to focus on yourself and your happiness. Good luck.
—Jazzy

This guy and I have been talking a lot. I’m not sure if I’m interested but I want to know where it is going. The problem is that we hang out a lot and sometimes go on date-like things, but he still acts like a regular guy friend. The only time that is different is when we go clubbing, where we get a bit touchy, but that’s all. I don’t know what to make of it and what to do. 

Oh, love games – aren’t they the worst? But seriously, what is with the social taboos of dating that you can’t just ask someone how they feel? So that’s what I think you should do – if it’s bothering you that much and you’ve been “talking” or “hanging out” (that always fun ambiguous terminology) for awhile now, just ask him out. See what he says. I know, I know – easier said than done. But being the aggressive person that I am in relationships, the heterosexual-identified men I have talked to admit that they wish more women would take the first step because, well, everyone has their insecurities. You say you’re not sure if you’re interested and that might be where he’s at as well, which is all the more reason to talk about it. If things don’t work out, you two can work on being just friends and it’ll work out with someone else. So it’s pretty much it’s a choice between taking a small risk of many risks or possibly regretting never saying anything? Easy enough, right?

—Jazzy

I’ll be flat out honest…I dread and hate that “I’m interested in you but IDK” stage with a person. From personal experience, befriending their good friend has always been useful. Before I was dating my now-ex-girlfriend, I became good friends with her and her circle of friends. At a party, I spilled the beans to one of them that I was interested in her. Just like you, I was curious and wanted to see what she was thinking. Since we don’t go to Hogwarts and can’t give them the truth potion, I asked myself the following questions: 

What type of relationship are you looking for right now (i.e. BF/GF, friends with benefits, etc.)? How do you see yourself with this person (i.e. BF/GF, friends with benefits, etc.)? What kind of feelings do you have towards her/him? Are they physical or emotional? How does he/she treat you relative to other girls/guys? Does he/she treat you differently? How?

Be absolutely honest and unbiased in answering these questions. Maybe even a friend can help you. As for my story, her friend told me that she was very interested in me. We began dating and went out for about 7 months, before I moved up here to Berkeley. If you think you got what it takes and want to leave his friends out of the picture, approach him and see what he thinks. MAKE A MOVE!

 —Cal Barista Ben

Sweetie pie,

It sounds to me that if he has been talking to you a lot, he must be interested! And if he’s acting like a regular friend, then he may just want to take things slow - which is also good! In your situation, Mama Luv would suggest figuring out what you want. Do you like him? Do you want a relationship? Do you want to take things slow or get things going a bit faster? As soon as you figure out, talk to him. Ask him what he wants and let him know how you’re feeling. Baby, remember that the best relationships involve communication and understanding. In the meantime, keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.

Love,  Mama Luv

Honey,
Firstly, Mama Luv is so glad that you’ve come to this realization! It is absolutely normal to miss your partner, as both a friend and a lover, after a break up. And of course, it’s even worse to imagine them spending a part of his/her life with someone else, so Mama Luv completely understands. You’ve taken the first step by acknowledging that you don’t want to put up a front anymore. Now the best thing to do is figure out what you want from the post-break up. If you are considering getting back together with your partner, you may have to discuss the situation with him/her. If you want to be friends, Mama Luv thinks it’s still too early to have a healthy friendship without feelings involved. And if you don’t want to keep in touch anymore, then baby, time will help heal how you feel. Just don’t forget to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.
Love,
Mama Luv

Posted on our Blog: My partner and I split up a few weeks ago or so. More than anything I miss being their friend and having them in my life in some capacity. But not going to lie, the thought of them sleeping or being with someone else makes me want to vomit. I don’t know what I want from this, I know this isn’t a question, I just needed to say these things out loud somewhere. I’m tired of putting up a front. It makes me feel like a fake.

I’m sorry about your break-up – it seems as if this is the season for breaking up. Everyone moves on at their own pace, but mostly it’s up to you to see how long it takes. From personal experience from one too many break-ups, you tend to just miss being comfortable. And going through that process of trying to be comfortable with someone all over again – well it sounds dreadful. But again, from too many personal experiences, it’s sometimes dreadful but it’s also exciting to be able to connect with different but amazing people. So if you meet someone worth it – don’t let your head get a hold of your heart; it’s easy to get stuck in the negativity that come after breaking up but just let’s things happen one day at a time.

—Jazzy